POTC: The Curse of the Animal Crackers
by divinething
Summary: From evil little girl pirates to cameos of Darth Vader, this parody pokes mercilessly at Pirates of the Caribbean with a sharp stick. Procede with caution: some readers have been known to laugh so hard they were thought to be having seizures.
1. Fog Bound

_Hey everybody! This is my first humor fic, so I hope it turns out okay! Keep in mind that while writing this I was under the influence of sugar, so if it seems really random, it's Hershey's fault!_

_To all of my Take Me Away readers: As you may have guessed, TMA was deleted from fanfiction because it was written in the second person. I want to thank all of you who reviewed it; you guys made my day. If you wish to continue reading it, it's posted on Ebony's website (the link is in my profile)__ under the name "Alexes"._ _Sorry for the inconvenience!_

_Okay, in the first paragraph, you'll see that I make some comments about the English. I know I may have offended quite a few people with it, but I want to tell you that that wasn't my aim. It's purpose is to mimic the writing style of the Harry Potter books, because J.K. Rowling uses the "Harry Potter was an unusual boy..." line to begin a couple of her books. And I love those books, so I have to have it in there! So please do not take offense to it; I truly don't have anything against the English. I love POTC, and out of that love I'm making "fun" of it in this parody. So it's quite the opposite of hating it. I hope that helps you understand why I wrote it._

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Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any other recognizable characters that you may encounter in this fic (and trust me, there will be a lot). And I didn't invent Animal Crackers, but they play a key role in this fic.

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Elizabeth Swann was not a normal girl in many ways. One reason is that she was English. Everyone knows that there is something... strange about the English. They call people 'chap' when in reality the person's skin isn't cold and cracked, and they eat things like spotted dick. I mean, who in their right mind would call a dessert that? Also, have you seen the hats those guys that guard Buckingham Palace wear? Though their accents are really hot. Just watch _Notting Hill_, and you'll see what I mean. You gotta love Hugh Grant. The point is, Elizabeth's different because she's from England.

Another thing that separated Elizabeth from everyone else is that she's the daughter of a politician. And everyone knows that politicians have scandalous life styles. Have you noticed that Elizabeth has no mother? She may have died of cancer, as they say, but I have two words for you: secret service. It's all just one big conspiracy.

But the most unusual thing about Elizabeth is that she was a witch. However, she moved to the Caribbean when she was ten, so the owl with her acceptance letter in to Hogwarts was quite puzzled when it found not her in her house, but some kid named Tom Riddle, who it gave the letter to instead. But it is all for the better, because if the populace knew she was a witch, and they would have, since everyone knows what goes on in famous people's lives, they would've burned her at the stake, so she was saved from that horrible death.

But she did miss out on having a seven book series written about her. Oh well, that's life.

Anyway, so Elizabeth was traveling the Caribbean on the grand ship, the _HMS Asparagus_, which actually was the worst ship in the Queen's fleet because she wasn't about to send her best ship down to the Caribbean. So, the old _Asparagus_ was the one chosen. Because it wasn't updated, it didn't have four wheel drive or rear suspension, so Elizabeth spent the most of her voyage throwing up and muttering, "Stupid last year's model," under her breath.

One day, after a very unpleasant barfing spell, Elizabeth was bent over the rail when she noticed something suspiciously out of place in the water: a box of animal crackers. Elizabeth, who felt very sorry for the poor animals that were going to get soggy in their box, cried out, "Cookies overboard!"

The whole crew looked over the side of the ship and saw that she was right. The Lieutenant, whose name is Norrington, which you have to know because he has a larger role in upcoming chapters, ordered for the crane to be brought out. The crew went below deck and wheeled out a giant mechanical claw, like the ones you see in grocery stores with the stuffed animals in them. The Lieutenant was about to deposit the fifty cents, how he got them is a mystery since he's British and not American, when someone cried out, "Wait, don't do it! It's as waste of money!"

"I have to do it for the cookies!" the Lieutenant called out bravely, and inserted the two coins. The mechanical arm hovered over the water, and the Lieutenant maneuvered it over the box, a small bead of sweat trickling down his forehead. He pushed the green button, and the claw dropped and encircled the prize. "Huzzah!" the men cheered around him as the claw rose out of the water and dumped its contents on to the deck.

"Wait!" someone called out. "You got two prizes!"

Everyone looked and saw that it was true; not only did the Lieutenant grab the animal crackers, but he also got a boy. Talk about luck!

The Lieutenant walked over and took the box. However, the boy woke up suddenly, and in a sort of arm spasm caused by being in salt water for so long, hit the box out of the Lieutenant's hand, and it flew across deck and over to Elizabeth. Now, Elizabeth wasn't one to share things, so she picked up the box and hid it under her dress.

The whole crew searched the ship for the box, but didn't find it, and weren't at all suspicious of the square bulge that had appeared on Elizabeth's stomach. When everyone accepted that the cookies were gone and moved on, Elizabeth took them out of her hiding place and opened the box. There were still a few left. She reached in to get one, but something on the ocean caught her eye. She looked up, and what she saw made her gasp and momentarily forget her hunger. It was a sight that would make the toughest grown man with a beard and a Harley quiver in fear.

It was the _Good Ship Lollypop_.

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_There's the chapter, and now all you have to do is review it and tell me what you thought! If enough people demand it, I may even write a second chapter!_


	2. The Medallion Calls

_Hey! I am soooo sorry about the long wait, but the Olympics were on, and I got addicted to them, and so all my writing time was taken away. And then when I had this written, my beta couldn't read over it because she's in school, so it was crazy, but it's all good now._

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An eight-year-older Elizabeth woke up with a start. "Woah, what a weird dream!" she said to herself.

"That wasn't a dream you twit, it was a flashback!" she replied, her old, and until now believed to be cured, schizophrenia returning.

"Ooo, look! I have cleavage!" she exclaimed, the dumb half ignoring the logical one. They looked down and saw that indeed, her chest was practically popping out of her dress. The hem of her dress was also at her knees. "I have got to stop wearing the dresses I owned when I was ten," she muttered to herself. Her musings were interrupted by a knock at her door. "Come in!" she called.

The door opened and in stepped...

Darth Vader.

"Elizabeth, you have the force in you. Join the dark side."

Elizabeth reached in to her bureau and pulled out her weapon: a sparkly baby blue rubber chicken. She pointed it at Darth Vader. "Never," she replied.

Darth Vader reached in to his cloak and pulled out his own hot pink chicken. The two began a heated fight in which they climbed all over the furniture and walls in the bedroom, their chickens making noises that sounded like they were being strangled rather than cawing.

Elizabeth swung her arm forward, making a disturbing and loud sound from her chicken, and hit Darth Vader over the head with her chicken. "Ow!" he cried out in pain. Elizabeth jumped on to the bed, and Darth Vader followed. He lunged towards her, chicken ready for the kill, but she jumped out of the way just in time. However, her chicken fell out of her hands from the sudden movement and landed on the floor a couple of feet away. She jumped off the bed and ran to get her weapon.

Darth Vader quickly followed, performing a series of Matrix worthy twirls in the air, and landed behind Elizabeth, catching her off guard, and cut her hand off. "You dolt! That was my chicken hand!" she yelled. She stepped back, and ended up falling out the nearby open window. Luckily, she had just gone to see _Catwoman_ the day before, and with Halle Berry cat reflexes, managed to hold on to the sill with her good hand.

Darth Vader walked over to the window and looked down at her. "There is no escape. You can either die or join me. I'll complete your training. With our combined powers, we can rule the galaxy."

"I'll never join you!" she yelled out defiantly.

"If only you knew the power of the dark side. You were never told what happened to your father."

"I was told that you killed him!"

"No, Elizabeth. I am your father."

Elizabeth looked up at the cloaked man in shock. "No, it's not true!"

"You know that it's the truth." He put his chicken back in to the folds of his cloak and offered her a hand. "Join me, and we will rule as father and daughter!"

Elizabeth was about to respond, but was cut off by an accented voice yelling from the doorway. "What is going on here?" Elizabeth could hear footsteps, and then saw an extremely ripped man appear behind Darth Vader. "Oh, hello father," she greeted him.

"Vader, I thought I told you to stay in your kennel."

Darth Vader grumbled and walked out of the room mumbling curses under his breath. Elizabeth's father turned to his daughter and lifted her easily back in to the room. She walked over to her severed hand and placed it back on her arm. "Good as new," she said while flexing her fingers. She turned and gave her dad a smile, who was in fact, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Govenator.

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"STOP!" a voice yelled, making the teenager typing at her computer jump up in alarm. She turned around a saw a short man in a medieval messenger's uniform and a scroll in his hand standing in the middle of her room.

"What are you doing in here? Get out of my room!" She started to panic. "Rapist! Rapist!" she yelled, but no one came to help. If only she knew that more people come if one screams 'Fire!' instead. People are always out to save their own skins. Or watch things burn. Pyros.

The man rubbed his ear gingerly before explaining, "I'm not a rapist. I am, in fact, the official Rule Bearer. My duties are to ensure that plagiarism, incorrect ratings, 'you' stories, etcetera, etcetera, do not appear on the boards. Now," he started while unrolling his scroll. Damn that thing was long.

He cleared his throat. "You are in violation of Rule 136, stated in section 39, subsection Q, third paragraph, line 14," he told the authoress with a smug grin.

The young woman looked quizzically at him before screaming, "Mackenzie!"

Soon, a young girl around eleven in age ran in to the room, staring oddly at her sister and the unknown man.

"Mo Mo," the authoress addressed her sibling, "please give this man the eyebrow." Mackenzie raised the inquisitive eyebrow at her sister before rolling her eyes and turning to show the man the same expression. For you see, the teenage girl could not form said expression, much to her dismay. "That is all," she said, dismissing her sister with a wave of her hand.

"I can see you don't understand," the Rule Bearer said while rolling the scroll back up. "Rule 136 states that no author is allowed to use nonfictional characters in his or her story. The penalty is deletion of the story in question, and the author's account is frozen for a short period of time."

"That sucks," the teen huffed, slouching down in her seat. "Hey, this is my story, so I can just write you out!" she declared gleefully.

"Now, wait just a second there!" the man cried, slightly paling and sweating a little. He reached his finger up and inched it closer and closer to his nose...

"I demand that you stop that at once!" the man yelled, horror plastered on his face because of the fact his arm was moving against his control and his finger was about to perform a highly embarrassing act in front of a bunch of readers. "This will get you no where," he tried to reason. "I don't make the rules; I just deliver them."

The authoress knew he was right and stopped her cruel, but highly entertaining, control. "You just have to change Arnold's name, that's all. The rules don't say that you can't have a character based off of him."

The girl contemplated this, before finally agreeing to his terms. Two deleted stories would not look good on her résumé. "Fine," she replied. "Now, get out before I make you wear a hula skirt and dance to 'Copacabana'." The thought frightened the man, and he quickly disappeared.

Now faced with a dilemma, the girl faced her computer again and urged the creative juices to flow so she could get on with her story. She finally came up with the governor's new name:

Ahnold Shortsinhanger.

That'll do. So, where were we? Oh yeah, our beloved Ahnold had just saved his daughter from the evil Darth Vader.

* * *

"Look at this mess." He walked around the room and surveyed the damage. "Elizabeth, I thought I told you not to fight in the house anymore."

"I'm sorry father," she replied, flashing him a big pair of puppy dog eyes. "What are you doing in here anyway?"

"I bought you something." He called in a man with a black suit on and an earpiece in his ear. The man gave Ahnold a box, all the while darting glances around the room and running his finger over a lump in his jacket that looked suspiciously like a gun.

It was really a teddy bear.

Elizabeth opened the box and gasped at the dress inside. "Oh father, you shouldn't have!" She pulled out the dress, and squealed in delight when she saw that it was actually the right size for her. "But what's this?" She pulled something black out of the box, and groaned when she saw what it was.

"Father, do I really need a Kevlar vest?"

"It is for your own protection," the governor replied. His attention was diverted when the secret service guy taped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Ahnold nodded and turned back to Elizabeth. "I'll be back." And with that, he left the room.

Downstairs, another secret service agent was patting down a man around Elizabeth's age. "He's clean," he yelled to his partner, and the man turned around to face the stairs. Several girls fainted when they finally got to see him. Paramedics rushed on to the scene and carried the girls away on stretchers. The man didn't seem to notice this at all and started humming "I've Been Working on the Railroad".

"Ah, Mister Turner, I'm guessing you have my sword?" Will stopped his humming and looked up to see Ahnold walking down the stairs towards him.

Will gave the Governor a funny look. "Sword? I thought you ordered a pair of flaming batons." He bent down and picked up said objects. "If I may?" he asked Ahnold. The governor nodded, and Will lit the ends with a lighter offered to him by one of the secret service guys. Will then started twirling the batons over his head and to the side so they looked like rings of fire. The onlookers stared in awe at the twirling flames. Will threw them up in the air and caught them in his hands, emitting a round of 'ooh's and 'ahh's from his audience. Once the show was finished, the men clapped enthusiastically, one of them shouting for an encore.

Will extinguished the flames and presented the batons to Ahnold, who took them from Will and examined them before placing them in a silver briefcase at his feet. "They'll do," he told him as he closed and picked up the briefcase.

"Father," a voice called from the stairs. All the heads looked up and saw Elizabeth walking down the staircase. "What do you think of the dress?" she asked when she reached the landing. She spun in a circle to show it off.

A throat clearing got her attention, since she had a slight A.D.D. problem, and she turned around to see Will standing there looking at her. "Good morning, Miss Elizabeth."

Elizabeth looked the tall blacksmith up and down before saying, "Am I supposed to know you?"

Will sighed in defeat and replied, "Remember when you were crossing from England and Captain Norrington saved me from drowning?" Elizabeth still didn't know what he was talking about. "I came up with a box of animal crackers."

A light bulb turned on over her head, but quickly burnt out. A janitor came in and unscrewed it, putting a new one in its place. "I remember now!" she exclaimed joyously. "But, I thought it was a dream...."

All the people in the room tilted their head and looked off at some faraway point, contemplating what they just heard. Will even stroked his chin. The silence was interrupted by a beeping sound. "Well, it's time we go," Ahnold said, checking his watch. "Come on Elizabeth."

The two of them walked out of the house, one of the secret service people whispering, "The Eagle has taken off. I repeat: the Eagle has taken off."

Ahnold pulled out a pair of sunglasses from inside his jacket and put them on before stepping in to the carriage before them. Elizabeth reached for hers, but found that she left them in her other purse. Shrugging, she decided to go with the parasol instead. She walked out the door, but turned back around to face Will. "Good day..."

"Will," he supplied.

"Right. Good day Will." And then she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Will looked out after the carriage, his eyes getting all teary. He wiped them off and said, "Stupid allergies." He then stalked off to find himself some Claritin.

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_Okay, so if there were any mistakes in the whole law breaking exchange in there, I'm sorry, but I had to write that part in after my beta had read through this because I was reminded after that having real people in a fic is against policy, which I totally knew and was going to make fun of anyway, but here is as good of a time as later I suppose. By the way, thanks to my girl Chelles for beta-ing! You're the best!_

_Thank you to all my reviewers for reviewing the last chapter! I really appreciated it and would thank all of you personally, but it's against the fanfiction rules, and I've already had a story deleted because of breaking said rules, so I'm staying on the safe side. Anyway, review, and I promise I'll try harder to get the next chapter out sooner!_

_And if anyone asks, Mackenzie is not a real person, and the authoress has no given name, so no one go on about self insertion. If it was, in fact, a self insertion, then it would have been written in first person instead of third, and she would've had my name. So ha! I'm staying on the safe side of the law over here._

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Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, The Matrix, Catwoman, Star Wars, Claritin, and any other things I might've added in there that I'm forgetting about now. But I don't own them either. 


	3. The One With All The Ships

_Okay, so I know it's been a long time since my last update (a little over five months to be exact…) and you probably thought I was dead, but I just want to say that I am very sorry and should win the bad writer award for being so late with this, and I would give you all my excuses as to why I haven't updated in forever, but I know that you don't care and just want to read the story, so I'll get in to it now._

_Oh, and the title of the chapter is very important, or else you'll think that I' m going bonkers later in the story, so I'm going to repeat it so you don't miss it. _

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"The One With All The Ships"

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If the residents of Port Royal would have looked out at the bay that day, they would have seen a majestic ship pulling up to the docks, her white sails unfurled and her flag waving high in the air. They would have seen her captain standing tall on her deck, pride of his ship apparent in his face. And if they had waited for that ship to pass, they would have seen a small fishing boat half sunk in the water with a man standing on it that didn't look like he knew what a bath was. We begin our story with that grimy man and his dingy boat.

Captain Jack Sparrow, or Jack if you have a death wish, was most widely known for being the former captain of the Black Pearl, the most feared pirate ship in the Caribbean. He sunk Nassau Port without firing a single shot, escaped off an island by roping a couple of sea turtles, and was very well acquainted with many of the less virtuous women on many islands. So, what does this man have to do with anything that's been going on so far? Well, in an attempt to follow the plot in some way, that bit of information will be held back till a further time.

So, Jack was on his boat while it slowly continued sinking in to the water, until it stopped right in front of the dock. And without missing a beat, the eccentric captain stepped off the boat and on the dock, where he then proceeded to model the latest in pirate fashion to all the cameramen on the sides. Light bulb flashes go off as he strutted down the catwalk and did his little turn.

Once Jack finished and the goat started to make his descent, the harbormaster, who had been a big fan of the captain's work since the start of his career, came up to him and asked, "Can you sign my autograph book for me?"

And Jack, being a man who loves being noticed, took the offered book and signed "Mr. Smith" right next to "Mickey Mouse". For you see, since he was a pirate as well as a supermodel, he had to have a pseudonym to separate his two selves.

"There you are," Jack said, handing the autograph book back to the man.

His work there being done, Jack made to leave, but the harbormaster stopped him again. "Look, I know you're a big fan, but one autograph per person," Jack explained, a little exasperated.

"Oh no, it's not that," the harbormaster stated while shaking his head. "It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock." The two of them looked over at his ship, which only had the crow's nest showing over the waves. "And I need to see your license and registration."

Since he had "borrowed" the ship from someone, and because his I.D. was written out to a Captain Jack Sparrow, he couldn't show the man his license or his registration. So, he took out his moneybag and asked, "What do you say to three shillings, and we forget the boat?"

And then the harbormaster's assistant, the little boy, raised his eyebrows at the thought of the two extra shillings. His employer also liked the idea of the extra money, and replied, "What boat? The sunken one? I was just going to call to get that thing towed."

Jack whispered a thank you and left the docks, but not before stealing the harbormaster's money. It was just sitting there asking to be stolen, and he was a pirate after all.

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Back at the battlement, a bunch of rich people were standing around in the hot sun waiting for Norrington to be dubbed Commodore. The governor, sensing they might become too bored by the time the actual ceremony started, hired a team of flag twirlers to entertain the crowd. However, to make it more in theme, he got them to dress in the Navy's uniform and twirl guns. So, the people got an exciting show and it made him look like he had a large Navy. Everybody wins.

After a couple of minutes of gun twirling, the governor decided to finally start the ceremony. It was pretty uneventful, considering all that happened was Norrington picked up a sword and Elizabeth looked like she was going to have a heat stroke. The real fun happened at the after party.

This was the party to beat all parties. All of England's A-listers had come down to congratulate Norrington (except for the Queen, but she sent a nice fruit basket). Everything was going fine, or so they thought.

-(flash over to the docks)-

Captain Jack Sparrow was not in a good mood. First, he didn't have a ship anymore since the one he came in had been impounded. Second, he hadn't brought his invitation with him to Port Royal, so no one would let him in to the party at the fort. And third, he really wanted some rum but no one had any in town. So, to brighten his mood, Jack thought he'd do a bit of pirating.

Since his first problem was that he has no ship, Jack decided to solve that set back first. And what could be more pirate-y than stealing a ship? So, Jack strolled down to a dock that had a big sign reading "New and Used Boats" hanging over it. Two men in matching blue suits ran up to Jack as soon as he stepped foot on the wood surface. "Hello," one of the men said, grabbing Jack's hand and shaking it. "I'm Mullroy, and this is Murtogg. How may we help you?"

Blinking a couple of times to get over the two men's sudden appearance, Jack regained his composure and told them, "Yes, I'm looking for a ship."

"Well, you've come to the right place," said Murtogg as he led Jack down the dock. "This is a nice model." He stopped in front of a small boat. "It can be navigated by one person, and yet has a very roomy interior. Also gets excellent mileage."

"Actually," Jack said, "I'm looking for something larger." He looked around and then pointed at a large ship. "Like that one."

The two men turned around and almost died when they saw which one he was talking about. "Of course sir!" they both replied, a lot happier. The three made their way over to the large ships, Murtogg and Mullroy walking with a bounce in their step. "Now this one here," explained Mullroy, "is the _Interceptor_, the fastest ship on the market. The Navy doesn't even have this one yet. It has everything: cannons, sails, and extra cup holders. Now this one," he said as he led Jack to another larger ship, "is the _Dauntless_. It's the strongest ship in the Caribbean. No body stands a chance with this ship's fire power against it."

"Can I see the _Interceptor_ again?" Jack asks. The three of them walked back to the smaller of the two ships and went onboard to check out the interior.

-(flash over to the fort)-

Elizabeth stood over at the side of the fort feeling very depressed. The one person she had hoped to see at the party wasn't there. He was so charming and handsome; every time she thought of him her heart sped up and she had trouble breathing. She sighed. If only….

Her daydreaming was interrupted when the newly appointed Commodore walked up to her. "Hello Commodore Norrington," Elizabeth addressed him. "Congratulations."

"Thank you Elizabeth." He started shifting his weight from one foot to another, looking as if he wanted to say something but felt very awkward about it. "Look," he started, "you're a beautiful woman Elizabeth, and now that I'm Commodore, I was wondering if you would become my wife."

Elizabeth was stunned at the proposal. All of the sudden, a warmth swept through her. "Oh James, I don't know what to say!" A smile formed on her lips. "Actually, I think-." Her answer was stopped, however, when the crowd parted and she saw the man of her dreams, whom she had just been thinking about, standing there. She let out a gasp. "It's Jude Law!" she yelled. The excitement took over her and she promptly fainted. Norrington tried to catch her, but she tumbled off the battlement and down to the clear water bellow.

The Commodore shrugged and thought of just leaving her, but knew that her father would be mad if he didn't attempt a rescue. So, he rounded up some of his posse and headed down to get her.

Sadly, it wasn't Jude Law.

-(flash over to the docks)-

"… and so then I said that it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the wrench." Jack was sitting on the dock with Murtogg and Mullroy, telling them one of the many occasions that he successfully solved a murder mystery while looking dashing and winning over the leading lady.

Mullroy slapped his head. "Of course! Why didn't I see it?" Further discussion, however, was stopped by the loud sound of a splash. The three men turned their heads, Jack getting whiplash from his own dreadlocks, and just made out a woman through the Caribbean waters.

"Will you be saving her then?" Jack asked the two men.

"I can't swim," Murtogg replied. Jack looked at Mullroy expectantly.

"I only dog paddle," he confessed. With a loud groan, Jack got up and took off his jacket, hat, and scabbard, which he handed to the two men. He quickly dived off of the dock and swam for the mass of skirts that had fallen in the water. When he reached Elizabeth, he started to swim back to his companions, but had to take off her dress first because it was too heavy, and Jack Sparrow didn't miss an opportunity to take unclothe a woman.

Once the two of them had finally reached the dock, Murtogg and Mullroy helped Jack pull the woman on to the deck. Jack heaved himself up and ran over to her to see if she was okay. "She's not breathing!" Murtogg cried out in distress. If it were to get out that a woman died at his dealership, business would be ruined. Jack shoved him aside, and found that the reason she wasn't breathing was because she was wearing a rather heavy Kevlar vest. He quickly took it off of her, and she promptly started throwing up seawater and gasping for air. Murtogg and Mullroy both gave identical sighs of relief.

Once Elizabeth had gained her bearings, she looked up at the man who had saved her life. The bright Caribbean sun shined on the many beads woven in his dripping hair and illuminated his dark chocolate eyes. She found that she was once again breathless, though this time not because her lungs were full of water. "Why, thank you," she finally managed to get out.

Jack, who seemed almost as transfixed on her and she was of him, said, "It was no problem," and helped her up to her feet. The moment was electric; they just stood there staring into each other's eyes.

"So," Elizabeth started after the moment's pause, "what's your name?"

The handsome pirate was about to answer, but another voice did it for him. "Jack Sparrow." The two turned around and saw Commodore Norrington there with his men. "I didn't expect to see you around here again. Not after what happened last time."

"I'm dreadfully sorry about that," Jack said, turning away from Elizabeth to face the Commodore. "But you were part of the Royal Navy and I was a pirate. It wouldn't have worked. We were just too different."

"But you could have said goodbye before you left!" Norrington sounded on the verge of tears. "You just left in the night. I didn't have the faintest idea of where you went."

Murtogg and Mullroy had brought out a tub of popcorn and were watching with great interest. This was getting very good. Elizabeth noticed this and went over to the two men and helped herself to a generous portion of the buttery snack.

"James, it is in the past; just forget it."

"No!" he yelled, looking away from Jack and blocking the pirate from view with his hand. "Don't call me James. Just- just leave."

Jack shrugged and went over to Murtogg and Mullroy to get his things. Once he was dressed in his full pirate garb, he went over to Elizabeth and offered her his hand. "Will you be coming with me luv?" he asked.

Elizabeth looked at the offered hand, but sadly shook her head. "I'm sorry Mister Sparrow, but I'm in love with someone else."

Jack just shrugged again and walked over the edge of the dock. "Ta everyone!" he called, waving his hand before leaving and heading towards town. Murtogg waved back enthusiastically, accidentally spilling popcorn all over Mullroy. Mullroy was pulling the kernels out of his hair when he stopped.

"Wait a minute, did he just say he was a pirate?"

Everyone gasped as they realized that Mullroy was correct. A pirate was roaming around Port Royal! "I must go sound the alarm," Norrington said, going in to Super Commodore mode. "Elizabeth, you must go straight home to keep out of danger. And you two," he said, turning to the two salesmen. "If you see Sparrow again, make sure he doesn't get away." They all nodded and went their separate ways to fulfill their duties.

In the chaos that followed, everyone was so busy that they all conveniently forgot about the exchange that happened between the four men and Elizabeth, and the plot continued on as it was supposed to: with no added romances.

* * *

_So, if you get the thing about the "ships", good for you! And if you don't, then you don't spend enough time around Harry Potter fanfiction. They have ships for every pairing you could imagine (and I mean every one). Anyway, I want to thank all of my reviewers for the last chapter, and send an advanced thank you to all the readers who are still sticking with me. I'll try to get chapters out faster, I promise!_

_Anyways, tell me what you thought of this chapter. Also, thanks to Stina for being my beta. You rock my socks!_

Disclaimer: I own POTC on DVD, but sadly the rights aren't mine, and I don't own the characters. I also don't own Jude Law, Mickey Mouse, or Clue.


	4. Will and Elizabeth

Jack Sparrow meandered through the streets of Port Royal, window shopping and occasionally pick-pocketing. Redcoats were scrambling all over the place, but Jack didn't notice them, and they didn't notice Jack. It wasn't until after buying a chocolate ice cream from a street vendor that he took note of the frantic movements of the Royal Navy. Curious, he walked over to an officer, who was lifting up a rock, and asked, "Pardon me, sir, but what in bloody 'ell is going on here?"

The officer sighed and put the rock down. "Not here." He then turned to Jack and explained, "We're looking for a pirate. He goes by the name of Jack Sparrow. Have you seen him?"

Jack licked his ice cream cone before shaking his head. "Sorry, haven't seen any Jack Sparrow."

The man nodded grimly, but quickly stopped when he saw someone with braided brown hair walk by. "Stop, pirate!" he said, tackling the poor pedestrian. "Jack Sparrow, you're coming down to the fort with me."

"But I'm not Jack Sparrow!" the horrified woman cried. But the officer had many years of duty behind him, and knew at once this was a trick, so he brought her into custody. Jack just took another lick of his ice cream and continued walking.

Jack soon had finished his delicious dessert, but when he went to throw away the paper that comes around the cone, he found that there were no trashcans on the street. Not one to litter, Jack walked in to the nearest store, grumbling about having to write to the Governor about the lack of proper waste disposal units. He closed the door and turned to examine the store he just entered. He guessed it was a blacksmith shop, for there were a large variety of weapons on the walls; so many that if T.H. White was given the task to list it all, he would have thought Christmas had come early. There were swords, guns, cannons, maces, axes, cutlasses, battle hammers, spears…

-(five minutes later)-

… TNT, grenades, tanks, an A-Bomb, some antimatter…

-(another five minutes later)-

… scythes, fresh pepper, educational films, extra greasy bacon, and a white rabbit that looked suspiciously like the one from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. Basically, this store had anything you would need to kill someone. Anyway, Jack walked over to the trash bin and threw his wrapper away. As he started walking out, he noticed a man passed out on the floor with a bottle next to him. Jack quickly walked over to the man and poked him to see if he was awake. Fortunately, the man was unconscious, allowing Jack to take the bottle. He swished the liquid around in the container and sniffed the aroma wafting out. Then, he took a small sip and smacked his lips noisily together. "Ale. Not too bitter. Good year, but I personally prefer rum."

He set the drink back down by its unconscious owner and was making his way for the door, when it opened and a young man entered the shop. The audience gasped; it was the same blacksmith from earlier in the story. The one with the flaming batons. He walked straight past Jack without noticing him and began making what appeared to be nun chucks.

Jack decided to let the man work and quietly began to leave, but he caught a glimpse of the young man's face. He immediately stopped. It couldn't be, could it? "Turner?" he called to the man.

Will looked up, surprise written all over his face. He took a cloth and quickly wiped the letters off. "Hello. Do I know you?"

Okay, so he wasn't who Jack thought he was. "No," he said, the disappointment apparent in his voice. "We've never met."

"Then how do you know my name?" he asked.

"Um…." The pirate thought quickly. "I'm psychic."

The blacksmith's eyes lit up. "Really? Does that mean you can tell the future?"

"Why yes I can," he answered proudly, puffing his chest out. Jack was always the little actor.

"Can you tell me my future?" Will bounced on the balls of his feet and couldn't keep the eagerness out of his voice.

"Your future?" Jack tried not to look too worried. "Sure I can. Let me just get warmed up." He moved his head from side to side, an audible crack issuing from his neck. He then stretched out his fingers and rotated his shoulders back. Will watched the whole thing, completely enraptured. Jack closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "Will Turner," he began. "In the future, you…" he paused as he searched himself for the right answer, "… will be blonde."

Will stood there dumbfounded for a second. "Blonde? What kind of prediction is that?"

Jack held his hands up defensively. "I'm sorry, mate, but I'm rather new at this kind of thing."

"How long have you been a psychic?"

Jack consulted his Mickey Mouse watch. "About a minute."

"So you lied to me?" Will could feel the anger growing inside of him. When Jack didn't deny it, the young man lost it. "No one lies to Will Turner and gets away with it!" He reached out and grabbed the closest weapon: a long wooden pole. He swung it at Jack's head, who ducked just in time. The stick made contact with the wall right behind him, making a large dent. Will pulled the pole back to him and pointed it at Jack. Jack, who was a master at Kali, grabbed another stick and twirled it over his head before standing at the ready. Will lunged forward with a blow aimed towards Jack's stomach, but he quickly deflected it. Jack countered with a swing to Will's legs, but the blacksmith brought his weapon down to protect himself. The two of them were soon in a very heated battle, the sound of bamboo on bamboo echoing around the shop. Their skills were practically equal; whenever Will would strike, Jack would block, and vice versa.

"You're really good," Jack said, jumping back as Will tried to swipe him.

"Thank you. I practice with the different weapons every day."

"Wow. You really have a lot of spare time on your hands."

Will just shrugged, and then moved to the right to avoid getting his head hit. "Recently, the amount of weapons sold has dropped. People are finding more humane and creative ways to torture their victims. The most popular form nowadays is playing bad country music." Jack and Will both paused for a second to shudder at the thought. They then continued to try to whack the other with their wooden sticks.

Jack could tell that this wasn't going to end soon unless he thought of something quick. He was a pirate for crying out loud. He needed to come up with something cunning. All he had to do was remember the most important rule on how to win a fight. Don't die. And the second most important rule was to use your surroundings to gain an advantage. But what advantage was there in a smithy? Suddenly, it dawned on him. He quickly scanned the room, looking for the object that every blacksmith's shop couldn't live without. There it was, to his left. The fire cracked merrily in its brick pit in the ground. But, his plan was dependent on one factor. Hopefully they hadn't run out. He'd have to risk it.

Quickly, Jack swung hard at Will, who had to lean to the side to avoid it. It was while Will was regaining his center of gravity that Jack ran to the fire pit and situated himself so the flames were between him and Will. He looked on the floor and almost sighed with relief when he saw the plastic bag. He picked it up and gingerly reached his hand in. He came back up with three gooey marshmallows in his hand. Perfect. He knew they couldn't have the s'mores pit without the marshmallows. He jammed them on the end of his stick and stuck them in the center of the fire.

By this time, Will had stabilized himself and watched the whole thing. He couldn't help but wonder if this guy had just escaped from his comfortably padded room and had somehow torn through his form fitting white jacket. Will ran up to the fire pit and swung over it to try and hit the seemingly deranged man. Jack effortlessly ducked but couldn't strike back, because his stick was still in the flames. Will started to run over to Jack's side, but Jack quickly moved in the other direction, so the young blacksmith couldn't get near him. Jack looked down at his marshmallows, hoping they would be done. Will decided to try another blow, but Jack saw the movement out of the corner of his eye and dodged that one as well.

Finally, Jack looked down and saw his marshmallows were ready. He pulled them out and brandished his wooden stick, the gooey dessert pointed at Will. They didn't seem all that appetizing, though, because instead of being surrounded by chocolate and graham crackers, the marshmallows were engulfed in flames. Jack, now armed with a more dangerous weapon, ran towards Will and swung his pole of doom at him. Will barely stopped it from making contact with his face. Bits of marshmallow rained down on the floor, threatening to burn someone with its hot goo. Will tried to retreat, but Jack noticed and swung as hard as he could at the poor young man. It would had killed him too, if it wasn't for the fact that the fire had started to eat Jack's bamboo, and now it was half the size it used to be. The wind caused by Jack's swing was also so great the fire went out. So, instead of death, Will was met by a charred piece of wood covered in bits of white. Both men stared at the useless twig now in Jack's hand.

Jack's eyes went wide when he realized he now defenseless. He started to back up in hopes of either stalling the fight or finding a quick exit, but his retreat was soon thwarted by a wall covered in shelves. It was at this moment that Will realized his opponent was without a weapon, and he started to make his way towards Jack, his bamboo pole firmly in his hand. Soon he was in range. "Well, you can sure whack someone with a stick like nobody's business," Will said. "But I can't have you running around Port Royal. Nothing personal." He lifted his arms over his head. Jack, in desperation, reached out to the side of him and seized an object from the racks. Will brought his stick down just as Jack raised his new item to protect his head.

A loud snap reverberated all over the room. Then Jack felt something bump him on the head. He reached up and grasped the small thing that had hit him in the palm of his hand. When he opened it, he saw the projectile was a piece of bamboo. He looked at the object he had grabbed to protect himself. It was a katana. The blade was so sharp that it had cut through Will's stick and saved Jack from a very bad headache. Will looked down quizzically at his pole. He swung at Jack again, but Jack quickly brought his sword up to deflect it. Another piece of the bamboo pole was severed. They continued this cycle, the katana cutting through the bamboo like warm butter, until all that Will was left with was a five inch piece of pole, which wouldn't even bruise Jack if he threw it at the pirate's head. He dropped the piece to the floor and closed his eyes.

"Please make this as quick and painless as you can," the blacksmith requested.

Jack looked at the man inquisitively. "Quick and painless? What in bloody 'ell are you talkin' about?"

Will opened his eyes and stared at Jack. "Well, you're a pirate. Aren't you going to kill me?"

"Nah," Jack said as he sheathed the katana. "Though I do think I'm going to take this sword. Thanks for the fight, but now I must be heading off."

Jack started walking towards the door, but Will started talking again. "But I was about to kill you. Why not do the same to me?"

"Well I don't know. I really don't like excessive killing, especially with a sword. There's always so much blood you need to clean up. And I also have this feeling that you're important to the plot of this story. It would be a shame to kill you and then realize I need you later on." By now Jack had reached the door. He turned around to give one last farewell to Will. "Well Mr. Turner, it's been fun. Next time –"

But Will never found out what he should do next time. At that moment, the door of the smithy swung open, hitting Jack square in the face and knocking him unconscious. Commodore James Norrington walked into the shop, a bit of paper crumpled in his fist, muttering under his breath about the necessity for more rubbish bins in the city. He stopped his complaining, however, at the sight of the pirate sprawled out on the floor. "Aha! If it isn't Jack Sparrow. It seems like I have once again foiled your attempt to escape." He called over some of his fellow redcoats, and the group of them hoisted Jack away to the fort.

Will went back to work, but his mind was preoccupied. He never did find out what Jack was going to suggest.

* * *

_Hey everyone! Sorry it has taken me five months (the number makes me cringe) to get this chapter out, but first it was hard to find time to write and then this chapter was sitting on my desktop for a month, waiting to be betaed…. Well, you don't want my whole sob story so I'll make this short and sweet. I don't know when the next update will be, but hopefully it will be much sooner than this one. And thanks to Chelles, as always, for proofing this chapter._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mickey Mouse, Pirates of the Caribbean, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Angels and Demons, and anything else I might have borrowed._

_Please review! They feed my muse._


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